I thought the day would never come. I’m serious. Who would have ever thought that it would happen? This is it. (Sob) This is it. The “Last Blog Post.” (Wipes a tear away)So, let's finish this off with a bang. What else would I talk about for this “Last Blog Post” other than tech suits. Tech suits just grind my gears. They just make me want to punch a wall. I don’t know why they make me want to punch a wall, but they do. By the way, don’t punch a wall; it hurts. In all this controversy over a piece of cloth, I believe, I BELIEVE that it makes a swimmer swim faster. Okay, take it easy on my soul. Let me explain, let me explain. Have you ever seen a shark? I mean at an aquarium, not Jaws. Jaws is a scary movie. Think about it from a swimmer’s perspective. In the water you never know if a shark will get you. Du na, Du na, Ahhhh! I got attacked. It’s got my leg. HELP! Okay, maybe it does not bother me that much; I guess I do swim in a pool. But back on topic. When I’m in the pool I feel like a shark. I feel like an aerodynamic hunk of moving muscle. Woo Wee do I feel good. Now, imagine when I put on a tech suit; it is like I changed from an enormous whale shark to a beautiful, pants-wetting great white. You feel invincible. You feel fast. You feel…...good. If you get my drift. That feeling makes you swim incredibly fast in the water. That's why I want to wear a tech suit. Anyway, babes love a good shark. Look at it from a swimmer’s perspective. On land I am like a walrus. I waddle, slide, trip, fall, and basically don’t look very graceful. I look like a buffoon on two legs. Then, when I’m in the water, I look good. I am in my environment. I am dominant. When swimmers are in the water, that's when we try to attracted the ladies. Anything that we can use to look better and attract more chicks is what we swimmers want. We want to look good, and that is why we wear tech suits. Normally, the chicks aren't attracted because, I mean, we are just normal sharks. Nothing special, just the normal catch. But when we put the tech suits on it is like the big daddy shark. He’s the big boy, he’s fast, he’s good, he’s sexy. Too far? Not wrong. The point is tech suits make us look better than we are normally because we are faster and better looking. The problem is when the little tikes try to attract the ladies as well. That's like shrimp attracting sharks and not being eaten out of pity. I mean, why would a lady shark want to eat a pitiful meal like a shrimp? The point is that all the little dudes are drawing away all the older girls from the bigger dudes. You know what? Because of that, tech suits should be banned for the young tikes, so the big boys can get their ladies. If you are curious, this is exactly like one of my other blogs. Why did I use it again? To get the point across and because I like sharks. The point is that tech suits should be banned for little dudes because you know what, the big boys want the ladies too. Peace out dudes; don’t cry too much since this is my last blog. I’m just not made for this blogger life.
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You know what just grinds my gears… NON-SWIMMERS. Many of my non-swimmer friends don’t know what tech suits are. I swear they act like they don’t know that swimming is a sport just to piss me off. I wish I could give them a swift kick in the pants and tell them my mind. It makes me madder than a red boiled tomato. You should see how mad they get when I say that track isn’t a sport. It’s funny to see how red they get in the face. The best way I can describe tech suits is by comparing them to cars. See, a Speedo is like a regular old high school kid’s car. It’s beat up, dented, scratched, barely runs, and gets the kid to school late. Maybe that’s not the cars fault, but back to the topic, it’s not really that fast. You try to punch the gas and it goes vroooooom, bang. Gee, I wonder what broke now. Better go check the engine. Now, compare that to the rich snobs who decide to come to school with a Lamborghini. Okay, maybe not a Lambo, but let’s say a nice, new 2018 Camaro. Let’s just say it’s nice. Like really nice. You got me; it’s drop dead gorgeous. I can guarantee that you slam on the gas, and you will probably get picked up by the po-po. The po-po would be so impressed by the beauty that they would not even give you a ticket. Well… maybe that’s false, but you get what I’m saying. So, tech suits are like the Camaros of swimming. They make you look drop dead gorgeous and fast as freak. Two bonuses that you can’t live without. Now compare that to a regular old high school student’s car or regular old speedo, and you can understand why tech suits are the secret weapon to many swimmers. It’s like paprika in eggs or anchovies on pizza or lemons in lemonade. Anyway, you get the point: tech suits make you feel like a rock star. Lets go a bit further and poke a big hornets nest. See, swimmers, parents, coaches, etc., etc. etc. complain about how the cost of tech suits are hurting the sport and blah, blah, blah. Do you really think I care. NO. I want that Camaro and you know what I’m willing to pay a little extra for it. Okay, maybe it’s a lot extra, but that's not the point. The point is that Camaros attract the babes. They get the girls. They are as fast as a rocket. They are as expensive as freak. Cost is cost, money is money, but you know what sometimes you gotta eat the cost to get the things you want in life.
So let's summarize. Tech suits are fast. Speedos are slow. Camaros are expensive just like tech suits, but if you want the speed and the ladies you got to shell out the Franklins. Tech suits are great. I know, I know I said they were terrible last time, but ya know, sometimes minds change. Don’t sue me or anything, por favor. Cracking out the Spanish because heck, why not. Geez, am I random. Heck, let’s get back on topic. Tech suits are great. They are a marvel of engineering for speed and aerodynamics in the water of a pool. Ya, they’re great. Tech suits are great girl attractors. They form your body into one good looking piece of machinery and make you look like “The Guy.” You strut your stuff, and every girl on the pool deck is talking about you. You literally have a girl on both arms, maybe two. OK, OK, maybe that's a little bit exaggerated. OK, maybe really exaggerated. Hey, a guy has to dream sometimes. Let’s just put it like this: girls notice guys in tech suits. Maybe because it makes us look like Michael Phelps, or the fact the suit is a neon color. Tech suits make you swim faster. You see, when you know the girls are watching you, you want to show off a little. Not too much, just a little. OK, that's false, you want to show off a lot. We swim our little hearts out just so the girls will notice us. Kind of sad, but true. Companies try to say it’s the compression or the fabric, when everyone knows it really is the girls. If companies knew this, they would never make tech suits the same again. Their advertising would change, their design would change, the sport of swimming would change. WOW just for some girls. The best part is the coaches are happy, the parents are happy, and the swimmers are happy. Geez, basically everyone is happy, and it all started because guys like to show off in front of the girls. That is like a life lesson right there. The thing that pisses me off about tech suits is when those little tikes decide to wear them. I get it, I get it. They wear them because all us older kids wear them to swim faster. But that is not the point. The point is they do not need to be impressing the girls, see. They already have the cute factor. They are short, cute, and girls just faun all over them. It makes us older boys just plain jealous. I mean come on! Look over here at this six pack and these sick biceps. Add in the tech suit factor and those little dudes are basically chick magnets. They attract all the girls in the pool young, old, and in between. They literally leave none for the older boys. So, when everyone wants to ban tech suits for younger children for reasons x,y or even pie, all the older boys smile and nod. We are just hoping that they get banned, so all us older boys can have our chicks back. Tech suits were the worst thing designed by man. O.K., maybe second after the speedo. If you don’t know what one is, shame on you, shame on you. If you still don’t know what one is, go watch this video and stop wasting my time. Geez, people these days. There are a lot of problems with tech suits and, you know what, I am in such a good mood today that I am going to explain all the problems to you. You’re in for a treat. The first problem is how tight they are. Companies thought it was a smart idea to make the suits as tight as possible, so the suit would compress you muscles. NO, NO, and NO. Do you know how gross it is to see a big fat guy in a tight suit that looks like it will break at any moment? Absolutely terrifying. What’s worse is when they bend down on the block and the moon just lights up the day time. WOW. You thought it was bad with a regular suit. It is ten times worse with a tech suit. It’s a full moon versus a quarter. The next problem is how long they take to put on. Since they are so tight, it take decades to put it on. For guys it takes a good twenty minutes to put on. Twenty minutes! I could order a pizza, eat it, and go back for seconds before some dudes are done putting on the suit. That’s crazy. The worst part is that everyone says the hardest part to get in the suit is the butt. Dude, the butt! I swear the butt takes ten minutes by itself to push into the suit. Sometimes you have to ask another dude to push your butt into the suit to get it on. Nasty? Absolutely. True? Would I ever lie? The third problem is going to the bathroom while wearing the suit. You have two options. Either pee in the pool or go use the actual bathroom. And before you get grossed out, we all know that there are two kinds of people in the world: people who pee in the pool and liars. Think about it. Think about it. Ya, we have all done it. It is either pee in the pool or spend another twenty minutes trying to get the suit up from your ankles. I personally would go the faster route. Judge me how you want. You will understand if you ever find yourself wearing one, which is probably never. So, let’s recap, shall we? Tech suits are terrible torture devices made by man. They are worse than the dude who thought up the stroke the butterfly. Just please do not wear a tech suit if you are fat. Spare us all a nightmare, and I will keep on praying for tech suits that are easier to put on. I guess that for now swimmers will just have to suffer through. And using the restroom, well, I guess certain things will never change.
Yo. Are you dudes ready for some more knowledge about swimming? I sure am. Did I hear a no from the crowd? That sucks, you get to enjoy this time spent bathing in the knowledge of what glorious swimmers do during practice. Sounds pretty cool, doesn’t it? Have you ever seen a swim practice? How about heard one while it is going on? Here I will save you the pain. Here’s a video on just how boring it is. Get what I mean? Yep, boring. It’s nice to sleep to though. Dude, one day I found a comfy spot on the bleachers and conked out. Wow, what a nap. You would never believe what you dream about when you are hearing people swim. Anyway, you probably want to know what we are thinking about during the two hours of pain, torture, agony, and boringness. No. Oh. OK. I will tell you anyway. When I am swimming I think of things in stages. Well… kind of. I think. It depends on my mood. All I know is that it depends on the practice. Usually, I think of different things during practice, but sometimes during a hard set I imagine all of the ways I could torture my coach. The stretch machine, tickle him to death, or make him swim butterfly for the rest of his life. What? You think that’s weird? I have no comment. The first stage, believe it or not, you are thinking about your strokes. You have a fresh head, just got in the water, and are ready to swim. After about five seconds, your brain is fried. I mean do you know how hard it is to focus on technique for five seconds? It’s like trying to learn rocket science and piano at the same time while your swimming. What did you say? It sounds hard? Yeah, you don’t have to tell me twice. After the first five seconds of practice, it just goes downhill. I start thinking of food. Not just any food. OK, well maybe any food. Basically, I think of anything I could chew on leather, baby food, dog toys... Wow, that’s weird. OK, moving on. I think of breakfast, lunch, and dinner and how good those savory mashed potatoes with the oh-so-filling beef and salty gravy poured over them would taste right now. I got to stop; I’m starting to feel hungry. After thinking of food, you have to stop, otherwise you would starve to death or at least feel like you would any way. I next start thinking about the person’s feet ahead of you and how nasty they look up close. Your attention then goes to the bottom of the pool because the feet were grossing you out. If they do not gross you out, then you have never seen what is on the pool deck. I don’t even what to describe what is on the pool deck. I mean half of it is probably radioactive, and you need a hazmat suit just to pick it up. Anyway, you then study the floor like scientist because you are so bored. I could literally make a map of the bottom of the pool with my eyes closed, open, or half shut. It doesn’t matter because I know the bottom of the pool so well. I bet I could just use touch and be able to tell where I am in the pool. I study the floor and the person’s feet for a while because it’s sooo interesting. It’s about the time that I start thinking of all the hot babes I saw at school. My thoughts get kind of dirty, so I won’t go into too much detail. It's about this time that I start singing in my head. Boy, do I sound good. I mean really good. I felt like I sounded like Bruno Mars yesterday. I hit the high part, smashed the last verse, and had to dab on it. Boy, was I pleased. My coach wasn’t though, since I stood up in the water and did a little dab when I was supposed to be swimming. After that, you start thinking about food again and then guess what? The torture is over. Swim practice has ended. Woopwoop. Mashed potatoes and beef here I come. Please don’t judge if you thought of mashed potatoes and beef the whole time; I think you would be just as excited to eat them, too. Yo. Did you guys miss me? If you are curious, I did not miss you. Before I start my rant, I just want to clarify one thing: swimmers are quirky, just like football players, soccer players, dance, yata, yata, yata. And NO that is not a roast. I already roasted all the sports beside swimming in the last post. Remember, put all the complaints in the trash can. Stop distracting me, and let me get back to what I was saying. Some of a swimmer's pet peeves are weird. OK let me rephrase that, very weird (even that might be an understatement). But swimmers are not weird OK. Are you listening! Let me repeat. WE ARE NOT WEIRD. Or at least no weirder than any other dude in a sport. The Top Four Pet Peeves of a Swimmer Number one, muddy shoes on the pool deck. When you are on a pool deck, the water mixes in with the mud and just makes a mess. You see footprints walking around the pool and into the locker room and back out. Then walking around the pool again and into the locker room and back out. What the heck. I want to strangle the kid who does this. Do you know how gross mud tastes when you eat it? Not good, let me tell you, and when you are in the pool, you are just guzzling it down. I might as well get a scoop of dirt from outside and just chow down and don’t get me started about the locker room. When it is in the locker room, who knows what it is. Is it mud or some other unidentified object? Think about it. Think about it. Ya. That’s gross. Number two, cold water. What? You think I want to freeze? Jeez. Let me put this straight. I do not want to swim in a hot tub. Then I would just be like a lobster and boil to death (I would probably scream just like they do, too). I mean how hard is it for the peeps who take care of the pool to just turn the dial like a couple degrees to the warm side? I can guarantee it would take a total of, let me see, 5 seconds. Hmmmmm… Sounds like a no brainer to me. My coach keeps telling us that a cold pool builds character. Yep. Mhm. Whatever you say coach. I want him to get in a cold pool at 5:30 in the morning. People these days. Next thing you know my coach will tell us that swimming is an easy sport. Haha. That's really funny. Number three, swimming down the middle of the lane. Boy. Do not get me started. I mean how hard is to swim down your side of the lane? Let me give you non-swimmers some back ground. When you swim in a lane, aka between the two rope looking thingys, you are supposed to swim counter clockwise. When you are swimming down your side of the lane, you stay on your side of the lane. Easy, right? Wrong! I get kicked, smacked, punched, basically abused during swim practice. When people say that swimming is not a contact sport, they are WRONG. But really how hard is it to stay on your side of the lane? I mean just last night I got clotheslined by a person doing butterfly in my lane and they came back and did some jujitsu hammer kick during breaststroke, basically breaking my leg. I mean, come on. Give me some slack. Don’t worry though, I got them back. A quick kick to the knee in breaststroke brought their reign of terror to an end. OK, now I’m done. Next. The final pet peeve. Dun, Dun, Duuuun! People saying swimming is easy. I mean what the bleep, bleep, bleepety, bleep, bleep. Swimming is like the hardest sport since people fought tigers and lions in the coliseum. It’s like saying that running is easy because … well I don’t know… because you do not use your arms! That’s what people say! I mean, I mean, I mean… Whoo, let me take a deep breath and restart. Swimming is hard because you have to wake up early, practice six days a week, two hours a day, work out your legs, arms, and basically your whole body, and practically hold your breath in a cold pool for hours. Wow, sounds hard to me. What do you say? Wait do not answer that. Just remember, put all complaints in the trash can. Yo. I was swimming in the water today, and I started thinking. I know thinking is a dangerous thing. You do not have to tell me. But I was thinking, during one of those long, torturous, boring swim practices, that swimming is pretty hard. Not like Iron Man hard, but up there. I thought about all the sports in high school and, well, swimming seemed like the hardest one. Now football players calm down and don’t start whining on me. I get it football is hard. You smash heads together and sometimes break some legs, but swimming is harder than all that jazz. Anybody else that wants to complain can get in line behind the football players. You can deposit any complaints in the trash bin. Swimming is GruuuueeeellllingNow I am going to go out on a limb and saying that you want to know why swimming is harder than all the other sports. Did I guess right? Great. Let's get started off by saying that swimming is grueling. We practice for two hours a day, six days a week all year long. If you do not think that is enough, well kudos to you, we do more than that. During the winter and summer, we swim doubles which means for all you non- swimmers out there we swim twice a day three times a week. I get it. I get it. Some sports practice all year long and just as much as swimmers do. Geez. Take it easy; I am only getting started. Secondly, we have to hold our breath for hours each day. We do not swim with our heads out of the water! Here’s a video on how we actually swim in the water. Our coach also makes us wear snorkels sometimes. Snorkels limit your breathing so you get less OXYGEN. Not only that, but we do these things called under waters. This is where we kick under the water for 25 yards or a length of a pool. If any sport other than swimming holds their breath while practicing, please let me know. Third of all, swimming requires more technique than soccer, football, baseball, and basketball combined. Don’t believe me? Good for you. Let's get started. Swimmers can lose their races by a thousandth of a second. Especially in the sprint events. That is such a short amount of time that you probably can’t even think that fast. Especially you football players out there. Technique is the factor between winning races and losing them. A swimmer has to have a good flip turn. If you are not a swimmer that means when you flip at the end of the pool. Duh. Swimmers have to have a good finish, stroke, start off the blocks, etc. The list just goes on and on and on and on and on and on. I think you get my point. Do I really need a fourth point? I mean if you can’t see that swimming is the hardest sport, I do not know what is wrong with you. Fine. I will make a final point so you can all shut up and sit down. My last point is this: how many people want to get in a cold pool, swim non-stop for two hours, hold your breath, do a perfect start, finish, turn, and stroke, have your coach yell at you, and most importantly have to repeat this misery the next day? Swimming is not for everyone (especially for football players). Swimmers have to have physical toughness as well as mental toughness to succeed in the sport. It is hard to be mentally motivated to swim every day (especially if you have to jump in a cold pool). It is hard to keep on top of things and swim as hard as you can in practice. Only the toughest people can swim. So, let’s recap. Swimming is hard. No questions? Good. Swimmers have to focus on technique, swim all the time even in their sleep, hold their breath, and most importantly have to be mentally tough. Just remember any complaints can be deposited into the trash can. |
AuthorA tired and very hungry swimmer. Archives
February 2018
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