Yo. Are you dudes ready for some more knowledge about swimming? I sure am. Did I hear a no from the crowd? That sucks, you get to enjoy this time spent bathing in the knowledge of what glorious swimmers do during practice. Sounds pretty cool, doesn’t it? Have you ever seen a swim practice? How about heard one while it is going on? Here I will save you the pain. Here’s a video on just how boring it is. Get what I mean? Yep, boring. It’s nice to sleep to though. Dude, one day I found a comfy spot on the bleachers and conked out. Wow, what a nap. You would never believe what you dream about when you are hearing people swim. Anyway, you probably want to know what we are thinking about during the two hours of pain, torture, agony, and boringness. No. Oh. OK. I will tell you anyway. When I am swimming I think of things in stages. Well… kind of. I think. It depends on my mood. All I know is that it depends on the practice. Usually, I think of different things during practice, but sometimes during a hard set I imagine all of the ways I could torture my coach. The stretch machine, tickle him to death, or make him swim butterfly for the rest of his life. What? You think that’s weird? I have no comment. The first stage, believe it or not, you are thinking about your strokes. You have a fresh head, just got in the water, and are ready to swim. After about five seconds, your brain is fried. I mean do you know how hard it is to focus on technique for five seconds? It’s like trying to learn rocket science and piano at the same time while your swimming. What did you say? It sounds hard? Yeah, you don’t have to tell me twice. After the first five seconds of practice, it just goes downhill. I start thinking of food. Not just any food. OK, well maybe any food. Basically, I think of anything I could chew on leather, baby food, dog toys... Wow, that’s weird. OK, moving on. I think of breakfast, lunch, and dinner and how good those savory mashed potatoes with the oh-so-filling beef and salty gravy poured over them would taste right now. I got to stop; I’m starting to feel hungry. After thinking of food, you have to stop, otherwise you would starve to death or at least feel like you would any way. I next start thinking about the person’s feet ahead of you and how nasty they look up close. Your attention then goes to the bottom of the pool because the feet were grossing you out. If they do not gross you out, then you have never seen what is on the pool deck. I don’t even what to describe what is on the pool deck. I mean half of it is probably radioactive, and you need a hazmat suit just to pick it up. Anyway, you then study the floor like scientist because you are so bored. I could literally make a map of the bottom of the pool with my eyes closed, open, or half shut. It doesn’t matter because I know the bottom of the pool so well. I bet I could just use touch and be able to tell where I am in the pool. I study the floor and the person’s feet for a while because it’s sooo interesting. It’s about the time that I start thinking of all the hot babes I saw at school. My thoughts get kind of dirty, so I won’t go into too much detail. It's about this time that I start singing in my head. Boy, do I sound good. I mean really good. I felt like I sounded like Bruno Mars yesterday. I hit the high part, smashed the last verse, and had to dab on it. Boy, was I pleased. My coach wasn’t though, since I stood up in the water and did a little dab when I was supposed to be swimming. After that, you start thinking about food again and then guess what? The torture is over. Swim practice has ended. Woopwoop. Mashed potatoes and beef here I come. Please don’t judge if you thought of mashed potatoes and beef the whole time; I think you would be just as excited to eat them, too.
0 Comments
Leave a Reply. |
AuthorA tired and very hungry swimmer. Archives
February 2018
Categories |