Yo. Did you guys miss me? If you are curious, I did not miss you. Before I start my rant, I just want to clarify one thing: swimmers are quirky, just like football players, soccer players, dance, yata, yata, yata. And NO that is not a roast. I already roasted all the sports beside swimming in the last post. Remember, put all the complaints in the trash can. Stop distracting me, and let me get back to what I was saying. Some of a swimmer's pet peeves are weird. OK let me rephrase that, very weird (even that might be an understatement). But swimmers are not weird OK. Are you listening! Let me repeat. WE ARE NOT WEIRD. Or at least no weirder than any other dude in a sport. The Top Four Pet Peeves of a Swimmer Number one, muddy shoes on the pool deck. When you are on a pool deck, the water mixes in with the mud and just makes a mess. You see footprints walking around the pool and into the locker room and back out. Then walking around the pool again and into the locker room and back out. What the heck. I want to strangle the kid who does this. Do you know how gross mud tastes when you eat it? Not good, let me tell you, and when you are in the pool, you are just guzzling it down. I might as well get a scoop of dirt from outside and just chow down and don’t get me started about the locker room. When it is in the locker room, who knows what it is. Is it mud or some other unidentified object? Think about it. Think about it. Ya. That’s gross. Number two, cold water. What? You think I want to freeze? Jeez. Let me put this straight. I do not want to swim in a hot tub. Then I would just be like a lobster and boil to death (I would probably scream just like they do, too). I mean how hard is it for the peeps who take care of the pool to just turn the dial like a couple degrees to the warm side? I can guarantee it would take a total of, let me see, 5 seconds. Hmmmmm… Sounds like a no brainer to me. My coach keeps telling us that a cold pool builds character. Yep. Mhm. Whatever you say coach. I want him to get in a cold pool at 5:30 in the morning. People these days. Next thing you know my coach will tell us that swimming is an easy sport. Haha. That's really funny. Number three, swimming down the middle of the lane. Boy. Do not get me started. I mean how hard is to swim down your side of the lane? Let me give you non-swimmers some back ground. When you swim in a lane, aka between the two rope looking thingys, you are supposed to swim counter clockwise. When you are swimming down your side of the lane, you stay on your side of the lane. Easy, right? Wrong! I get kicked, smacked, punched, basically abused during swim practice. When people say that swimming is not a contact sport, they are WRONG. But really how hard is it to stay on your side of the lane? I mean just last night I got clotheslined by a person doing butterfly in my lane and they came back and did some jujitsu hammer kick during breaststroke, basically breaking my leg. I mean, come on. Give me some slack. Don’t worry though, I got them back. A quick kick to the knee in breaststroke brought their reign of terror to an end. OK, now I’m done. Next. The final pet peeve. Dun, Dun, Duuuun! People saying swimming is easy. I mean what the bleep, bleep, bleepety, bleep, bleep. Swimming is like the hardest sport since people fought tigers and lions in the coliseum. It’s like saying that running is easy because … well I don’t know… because you do not use your arms! That’s what people say! I mean, I mean, I mean… Whoo, let me take a deep breath and restart. Swimming is hard because you have to wake up early, practice six days a week, two hours a day, work out your legs, arms, and basically your whole body, and practically hold your breath in a cold pool for hours. Wow, sounds hard to me. What do you say? Wait do not answer that. Just remember, put all complaints in the trash can.
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AuthorA tired and very hungry swimmer. Archives
February 2018
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